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In the first study of its kind, the Pew Research Center today released a nationwide municipal “Marry, Fuck, Kill” survey that placed Miami squarely in the middle classification.

Over 20,000 individuals from diverse racial, gender, and sexual preference backgrounds ranked the relative attractiveness of 80 U.S. cities. Results indicated that 98% of respondents would happily copulate with Miami—preferably in cowgirl position, though doggy and side also earned high marks. This granted the Magic City top score in the most lascivious of categories. For context, the runner-up (Santa Monica, CA) only received a 74% rating.

“Oh, I’d definitely sleep with Miami,” declared Idris Elba, People Magazine’s 2018 Sexiest Man Alive. “It’s a beautiful city. Perfect for a passionate weekend fling. We’d go to breakfast afterward, maybe even DM a few times, though I probably wouldn’t call.”

Conversely, only 12% of polled individuals stated they would tie the knot with Miami.

“I don’t think we’d work out,” explained Emilia Clarke, Esquire’s 2015 Sexiest Woman Alive. “Sure, it’d be fun for a while, but there are some serious red flags. Commitment is key, and honestly, I don’t know if it’ll be around in 40 to 50 years.”

Boulder, CO led the “Marry” rankings, while the undisputed leader of “Kill” division was Newark, NJ.

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Andrew OtazoAndrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

Check out the first free chapter of Andrew’s upcoming book here.

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