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The U.S. Surgeon General warned consumers that excessive consumption of Cuban coffee can have diverse deleterious and anomalous effects on their health. These include, but are not limited to:

  • Excessive energy
  • Difficulty falling asleep
  • Uncontrollable shaking
  • X-ray vision
  • Clairvoyance
  • Incomprehensively fast speech
  • “Cafecito shits”
  • Levitation
  • Burnt tongues
  • Chismosidad
  • 1,000% increase in guapería
  • Flashbacks to past lives
  • Instant memorizations of Pitbull’s discography

Miamians are advised to restrict their consumption of Cuban coffee to less than one liter per day. Non-Miamians are categorically warned against any contact with cafecito, as exposure to the liquid could result in spontaneous combustion.

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Andrew OtazoAndrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

Check out the first free chapter of Andrew’s upcoming book here.

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