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Politicians Ask Miamians to Go Fuck Themselves

Politicians Ask Miamians to Go Fuck Themselves

Every municipal, county, state, and federal Miami politician today signed a letter asking their constituents to take a long, metaphorical walk off a short pier. The document can be read in full below. Dear Miamians, Fuck you. We don’t give a shit about your petty...
Racists Upset that Some Hispanics Look White

Racists Upset that Some Hispanics Look White

Chris Evinger, Executive Director of Americans for a Pure America (APA)—an avowed White supremacist group—strode to a podium before a gaggle of reporters. He sported a crew cut, khaki pants, and white polo shirt. Evinger’s ruddy complexion turned progressively redder...
Cuban-Americans (Somewhat) Explained

Cuban-Americans (Somewhat) Explained

Originally Published in Buzzfeed I received a surprising amount of feedback following a piece titled How Not to be a Douchebag to Cuban-Americans. Much of it was fantastic. Thousands commented on how they related to my frustrations. However, a sizeable portion of the...
A Brief Racial Introduction to Miami

A Brief Racial Introduction to Miami

You just moved to Miami. Hooray! What should you expect? Much of that depends on your ethnic background. Let’s delve into your possible experiences. Latinos Congratulations, you reached Hispanic Valhalla. Reggaeton, salsa, bachata, and cumbia blast from stores,...
Atlantis Worried About Becoming the Next Miami

Atlantis Worried About Becoming the Next Miami

Xenophon the Magnificent, Supreme Protector and Sovereign Lord of Atlantis, is worried that his island nation in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean could soon go the way of South Florida. “Anyone can see the writing on the wall,” began the Atlantean King. He stroked his...
Pale Cuban Shocks Wedding with Dance Skills

Pale Cuban Shocks Wedding with Dance Skills

“What on Earth is going on?” exclaimed newlywed Tiffany Dormer as she watched Tony Mendoza pop and lock like a fiend on her wedding reception dance floor. “Isn’t this guy White?” Mendoza, the son of Cuban immigrants, has a pale complexion, light brown hair, and green...