Select Page
Miamians Hospitalized as Temperatures Plunge Below 70

Miamians Hospitalized as Temperatures Plunge Below 70

Pandemonium reigned in Mercy Hospital’s Emergency Room where doctors and nurses worked frantically to treat a mob of Miamians suffering from slight chilliness. “My arms! I can’t feel my arms!” cried a woman in her 40s. “Can you feel that?” asked a nurse, inserting an...
Miamian is So Rich He Doesn’t Know How to Pump His Own Gas

Miamian is So Rich He Doesn’t Know How to Pump His Own Gas

Ernesto Torres pulled his off-white Rolls-Royce Phantom into the Shell gas station on the corner of US-1 and SW 27th Ave. The 47-year-old Caracas native sported an immaculately tailored Italian sportscoat, calfskin loafers (no socks), crème-colored slacks that rode up...
Government Implements Miami Savings Time

Government Implements Miami Savings Time

Exasperated with Miamians’ habit of arriving late to parties, conferences, classes, baptisms, weddings, funerals, breakfasts, brunches, lunches, dinners, and every other conceivable appointment, the Commerce Department’s National Institute of Standards and Technology...
Cuban Haunted House Will Feature Chupacabra and Communism

Cuban Haunted House Will Feature Chupacabra and Communism

“We want to scare the shit out of Cubans,” said Dominic Infante, manager of ¡Ño Que Asusto!, the world’s first haunted house designed specifically for Cubans and Cuban-Americans. “The first thing we do is convince them they’ve entered a post-apocalyptic world.” Asked...
Cubans Keep Despojando Haunted Hotel

Cubans Keep Despojando Haunted Hotel

“God dammit!” shouted Jeffrey Lisicki, owner of the Crimson Rose, Saint Augustine’s premier haunted bed and breakfast. “We lost another ghost!” “That’s the third this month!” cried Sarah Lisicki, his business partner and wife. “Soon, there be any ghosts left in the...
The 50 Stages of a Miami Goodbye

The 50 Stages of a Miami Goodbye

It’s 2 AM. You’ve been at your cousin’s party for the last five hours. You desperately want to leave, drive home, and collapse onto your bed. You’d love nothing more than to walk straight out of your this house while diligently avoiding eye contact with every human...