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Ventanita Ladies’ Secret to Perfect Cafecito

Ventanita Ladies’ Secret to Perfect Cafecito

Miami’s caffeine cowgirls, the vaunted ventanita ladies, generously decided to share their occult cafecito secrets with The Miami Creation Myth. The following is a detailed, step-by-step description for how to make the perfect Cuban coffee, according to their...
Latina Suffers Existential Crisis After Bungling Her Spanish

Latina Suffers Existential Crisis After Bungling Her Spanish

Jessie González, whose parents are both Peruvian immigrants, clutched her knees and rocked herself on a tile bathroom floor. Jessie González, whose parents are both Peruvian immigrants, clutched her knees and rocked herself on a tile bathroom floor....
Hurricane Dorian Declared a Category 5 Douchebag

Hurricane Dorian Declared a Category 5 Douchebag

The Institute of Assholery Awareness (IAA) today designated Hurricane Dorian a full-blown Category 5 douche. “Dorian is causing widespread emotional, psychological, and physical devastation across its path,” explained Cynthia Almeida, IAA’s Executive Director. “It has...
Miamians Return to their Normal Level of Crazy

Miamians Return to their Normal Level of Crazy

A palpable sense of relief descended on South Florida as it seemed the region would be spared the worst effects of Hurricane Dorian. No longer would Miamians instigate fights in Publix, enter shouting matches at gas stations, and run each other off the road because of...
Whole Foods Hurricane Riot Leaves 102 Dead

Whole Foods Hurricane Riot Leaves 102 Dead

“I’ll kill you for that Fiji water!” yelled Leslie Albeck, a 44-year-old housewife swinging a battle axe at a rival shopper. Her opponent, 32-year-old Alfred Urrechaga, blocked the blow with a shield and counterattacked with his broadsword. “Drink Fiji in hell!” he...