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The side of an abandoned warehouse on the corner of NW 26th St and 5th Ave sold for $2 million on the final day of Miami’s Art Basel festival. The untitled work by an anonymous artist measures 10 by 20 feet and has no discernible features other than a pealing coat of white paint.

“It’s the perfect example of post-Minimalist Dada Minimalism!” gushed Sergio Peralta, the collector who recently purchased the work. “This is the happiest day of my life.” The Colombian-born real estate magnate then burst into an inconsolable ugly-cry.

Once he composed himself, Peralta stated his intention to disassemble the wall, brick by brick, and transport it to his climate-controlled art storage space by the Geneva airport, where it would hopefully accrue in value.

The first person to take notice of the piece was Alfonso Cantabria, a world-renowned Italian art collector and tastemaker who became lost while wandering away from NW 2nd Ave. Upon stumbling on the wall and noticing its vast artistic worth, Cantabria pulled $200,000 in cash from his wallet and demanded that someone in authority take his money.

Like moths to a flame, his bombastic declarations soon drew other high-net-worth individuals to the piece, sparking a bidding war that morphed into a shoving match. Coiffures were ruffled, shoes scuffed, and pocket squares trampled before DeShaun Seneca, an enterprising Overtown native, imposed order on the burgeoning Burberry brawl.

With a commanding tone that would put any Sotheby’s auctioneer to shame, the Haitian-American nursing student transformed the riotous scrum into an civilized sell-off. He took bids and counter-bids from atop a milk crate until closing the auction at $2 million.

Seneca congratulated Mr. Peralta on his purchase and received the full final price in unmarked hundred dollar bills. He then ordered an Uber, drove to his local Chase branch, and deposited the money in his mother’s bank account.

When asked how he felt about his role in the affair, Seneca smiled and replied, “A fool and his money are soon parted. I just facilitated the process.”

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Andrew OtazoAndrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

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