Florida Governor Ron DeSantis swayed under a noonday sun outside Tallahassee’s Capitol Complex. He wore a pained expression and dark suit he’d perspired clean through. The chief executive shaded his eyes and wiped a tiny cascade that originated at his temple and terminated in a yellowing shirt collar. It was unclear if DeSantis’ crimson countenance was the result of the infernal weather or his equally volcanic anger. He turned to address the gaggle of reporters before him.
“I’m tired of the fake news media claiming it’s hot in Florida!” he began, sending sweat and spittle flying with every turn of his head. “I open my weather app, and it says its 92 degrees! Same thing on the Weather Channel! Same thing on the local news!”
Greg Sapstrong of the Florida Times-Union raised his hand.
“Yes, what is it?” snapped DeSantis.
“It’s July in Florida,” he explained. “It’s warm, and it’ll only get worse come August and September.”
“A thermometer reading over 90 degrees will make anyone think it’s scorching,” retorted DeSantis. He grasped the podium with both hands to prevent his knees from buckling. “The more people check thermometers, the more think it’s hot. It’s only human nature.”
“That makes no sense at all,” said Deborah Ansley of the Tampa Bay Times.
“Which is why,” asserted DeSantis, ignoring her comment. “I’ve sent 40,000 state workers across Florida to change every thermometer to read 80 degrees as the maximum temperature.”
The governor’s skin turned clammy and ashen. He massaged his forehead to allay a throbbing headache.
“That seems like a giant waste of taxpayer money,” alleged Brice Higgins of the Miami New Times.
“Not if it helps Floridians stay cool!” shot back DeSantis. The 15 journalists multiplied to 30 and then 60.
“80 degrees is not exactly chilly weather. What if residents still think it’s too hot?” asked Michelle Esposito of the Key West Citizen.
“Then I’ll resort to what I always do with inconvenient data,” replied the governor as the eyes rolled to the back of his head. “I’ll collect every thermometer in the state and destroy it.”
DeSantis suffered a heat stroke and fell flat on his face.
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