“¡Métete en tu casa, coño!” yelled Pilar Rodriguez, a diminutive 77-year-old woman wearing a floral nightgown, facemask, and latex gloves. She charged a young couple across the street, brandishing a sandal over her head. “¡Son las once de la noche y tienen que irse a dormir!”
The couple froze in instinctual fear before sprinting down the sidewalk away from the septuagenarian.
“¡No se escaparán de mi!” cried Rodriguez. She flung the sandal with such Olympian skill that it connected with the back of the lagging youth’s skull from forty feet away, sending her tumbling onto the grass. Then, midstride, she removed another sandal from a bandolier across her chest, and flung it at the second teenage with the same result.
“¡Ustedes saben que hora es!” exclaimed Rodriguez, hands on her hips as she towered over her fallen prey. “¡Calabaza, calabaza, todo mundo pa’ su casa! ¡Váyanse ya!”
The wayward teenagers muttered their apologies and whimpered home. They were Rodriguez’s 52nd successful hunt of the night.
“It’s very simple,” explained Jorge Colina, Miami’s Chief of Police. “We needed to enforce a citywide 10 PM lockdown to slow coronavirus’ rate of transmission and flatten the curve. That’s when we realized Miami had a practical army, no, a special forces command hyper-specialized in imposing curfews: our abuelas. I don’t know about you, but if my Mima tells me to go to sleep, better believe I’m running to my room.”
Back on the street, all was quiet with the exception of an occasional smack and yelp from a distant chancleta strike. Rodriguez was far from alone, as the City of Miami hired 5,000 other abuelas to patrol the roads. She dusted off her sandals and placed them back in the bandolier with a satisfied grunt.
Asked how she perfected such an disconcertingly accurate throw, she simply smiled and responded, “Más sabe el diablo por viejo que por diablo.”
Rodriguez then leveled a menacing glare at me. “Y tu sabes perfecatmente bien que hora es,” she growled, unholstering a sandal. I estimate I got 50 feet before the chancleta connected with my head.
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