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“Look at this asshole!” exclaimed Alex Diaz as he accelerated his BMW 3 Series to block a minivan with Ohio plates from entering his lane. The four cars behind Diaz closed ranks to ensure the Dodge Caravan, which had turned on its indicator, would be unable to make its exit off I-95.

“Some douchebags have no idea how to drive!” said Diaz, as he cut across three lanes of rush hour traffic without checking his blind spot. He laid on his horn for five seconds, scaring the school bus he was tailgating into moving out of his way.

“I can’t wait ’till these out-of-towners leave and we can get back to normal,” cried an exasperated Diaz before giving the entire bus of elementary schoolers the middle finger.

Similar scenes played across Miami as native residents fumed over Super Bowl tourists’ unfathomable tendency to obey posted traffic laws. Drivers came to complete halts at stop signs, decelerated in school zones, and most infuriatingly, drove below the speed limit. Needless to say, this drove Miamians into seething berserker rages—which honestly seemed only marginally worse than their baseline vehicular fury.

“What the f*ck is wrong with you!?” yelled Yanelis Hidalgo at a startled family as she hung out her driver’s window. The mother, father, and daughter stepped off the curb upon seeing a green pedestrian light indicate they could cross the street. They did not, however, count on Hidalgo’s ire when they blocked her from making an illegal right turn into oncoming traffic.

“I just don’t get it…” mumbled Patrick Rogers from Kansas City, his voice barely above a hoarse whisper. He sat ashen-faced in a hotel parking lot, fingers clamped so hard on the steering wheel that his knuckles seemed ready to pop off his hands. “It’s like everyone on the road wants to die and take me with them. What’s wrong with this city?”

“What’s wrong with your mom!?” retorted a strutting passerby in a Heat jersey. “Welcome to Miami!”

He kicked the car’s rear bumper, “tried” the terrified Missourian, and called him a “soft-ass punk.”

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Andrew OtazoAndrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

Check out the first free chapter of Andrew’s upcoming book here.

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