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Miami PD Hires Chancleta-Wielding Abuelas to Enforce Curfew

Miami PD Hires Chancleta-Wielding Abuelas to Enforce Curfew

“¡Métete en tu casa, coño!” yelled Pilar Rodriguez, a diminutive 77-year-old woman wearing a floral nightgown, facemask, and latex gloves. She charged a young couple across the street, brandishing a sandal over her head. “¡Son las once de la noche y tienen que irse a...
Miami’s Traffic God Wonders Where All the Crazies Went

Miami’s Traffic God Wonders Where All the Crazies Went

Yoandri, Miami’s universally detested god of traffic, looked down upon South Florida from his home high on Mount Tropical Park, and sighed dejectedly. On a whim, he raised the Brickell drawbridge. Nothing. He threw a barricade across the Golden Interchange. Nothing....
An Open Letter to Coronavirus from Miami

An Open Letter to Coronavirus from Miami

Dear Coronavirus, Welcome to Miami. And by “welcome,” I mean “please put a Clorox-soaked bullet in your head and bury yourself in the Everglades,” but we’re all about social tact in South Florida. Nevertheless, you’re here, and like a flock of New Jersey snowbirds, we...
Royal Caribbean Declares Corona Its Official Beer

Royal Caribbean Declares Corona Its Official Beer

Co-written with William Lopez. Harold Cromley, Royal Caribbean’s Senior Branding Director, strode to the podium with a heady mix of bluster and self-satisfaction. He had a fantastic idea, and couldn’t wait to share it with the roomful of reporters arrayed before him....
Miamian Insists She Loves Cold Weather Because She Sets Her AC to 70

Miamian Insists She Loves Cold Weather Because She Sets Her AC to 70

“I love this real winter weather!” exclaimed Jessica Cardoza. The 29-year-old systems engineer sat in Greenstreet Café’s outdoor patio, enjoying brunch with Emily Rogers, a visiting friend from Chicago. The Miami native planned a long day of sightseeing which would...