The U.S. Surgeon General warned consumers that excessive consumption of Cuban coffee in Miami can have diverse deleterious and anomalous effects on their health. These include, but are not limited to:

• Excessive energy
• Difficulty falling asleep
• Uncontrollable shaking
• X-ray vision
• Clairvoyance
• Incomprehensively fast speech
• “Cafecito shits”
• Levitation
• Burnt tongues
• Chismosidad
• 1,000% increase in guapería
• Flashbacks to past lives
• Instant memorizations of Pitbull’s discography

Local residents are advised to restrict their consumption of Cuban coffee in Miami to less than one liter per day. Non-Miamians are categorically warned against any contact with cafecito, as exposure to the liquid could result in spontaneous combustion.

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Andrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

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